I Don't Know How To Dress Myself

Dressing oneself is a basic skill that we all pick up as get older. Since we've always worn clothes, it obviously comes naturally that we begin to pay more and more attention to it. Some people get really invested in it and design a very particular wardrobe, and some just don't care that much and throw anything on.

I fall into a weird category. I care what I look like. But I have no idea what I am doing.

A year ago, my girlfriend made me throw out about 90% of the clothing I owned and start a new wardrobe. Apparently a (then) 24 year old man wearing the same clothes he wore when he was 17 shows signs of "immaturity" and "an unwillingness to grow up." So the great purge was enacted, and I went out and bought new clothes.

That's me at 23, pre-purge. Note the plaid shirt with striped shorts. Classy.

Now, I just stare at my clothes, and I don't understand how things match together. In fact, are clothes supposed to "match" together. Do certain shirts go better with certain pants? I have no clue.

It seems so arbitrary to me, but I see other people's outfits sometimes, and I think "that looks really good. It's clear they thought that out." But when it comes to me, I get completely lost.

This is my routine for dressing myself. I put on the pants that are closest to me when I wake up. Then I grab the nearest shirt. No synergy between the two, because I figure, how can I possibly have screwed up already. What t-shirt could not go with a pair of blue jeans?

From here, I have two and half options. I can put on a sweater, or a cardigan. Mainly, this is to hide my arms because I have no muscles, and I figure hiding my shameful non-biceps from the public is my best chance at obtaining the glances of women who are looking to settle.

The half comes from putting a button up shirt underneath the sweater or cardigan. That I assume is where the biggest trap for clashing styles can come from, and yet I put essentially zero thought into it.

"Why you so stupid Alan?" "I dunno..."

I can't even describe the awful things I do, because I don't even recognize how awful they are. I'm at this point where I'm so ignorant, that I don't even truly know how ignorant I am, but at least not too ignorant that I'm not aware that I am ignorant. Yeah.

So this is how I lead my life now. Wandering aimlessly in a closet of mystery, unaware of the dangers I tread, and too dim to learn to combat them.

It is a sad life. But it is mine.